alone again naturally.

i duno how to piece my emotions into words right now, but it sure isnt anything nice. truly im indeed alone again naturally.

Somehow since the birth of the so horrific me, im just somehow destined to be alone... Alone even when he exist i'm still alone.

I get so lonely sometimes. I don't want to find anyone i just want him but i really wonder if he really know.

Sometimes i can stoop so low and forget all my principles i impart to myself. i can be threaten to trust and not trust faithfully. It kinda sucks that im rather crazily in love that the most vital point becomes a weak point. i know its happening but i rather not do anything.

At times i want to just leave and have no memories. I mean, after all everyone's gonna leave me, no? It's just that way somehow. There are so many things i want to criticize and i know i can because i got damn hell of a space over here, but i really don't want to go down to point A and point B.

He always says ill leave him one day, ill change. Don't i know myself better than he does? Well, i'm not a confident person but i know for sure i'm confident of who i want right now. Or maybe he meant otherwise that he cannot kick the flirting habits and eventually i cannot take it. Or is it some mind game. Well, its so tiring sometimes. I just want to once in a while go out with him have fun but...

These four black walls...

If i'm gonna think bout it, theres so many places in singapore i want to go with him. But he just don't want to go with me. i always wanted to know. he never like food of a better class, but he dont mind bringing his good pal somewhere better. I mean he brings me to nice places to eat but ive to ask n ask n ask or either that it's my birthday or a day for celebrations, like hitching a good job.

We definitely are not the "normal" couple you see on streets. Well, true enough he always says he is not normal. Sometimes i really don't understand what he wants. I'm trying my best at my ends to make him happy give him what he needs... whatever he wants right its way too big for my limits right now. (you know, if he sees this, he'll say "den break up la, i never ask you to do anything for me") this is not normal. this is the abnormality we've become.

shucks. like crying... he like keeping quiet or repeating how his right over n over again and i cannot cry. i mean he doesnt like me to cry. i don like him to keep quiet when the problem isnt solve either. but i just cannot cry. he can express his emotions all he wants i cannot.

im damn not asking for anyones pity but sometimes even the slightest thought can trigger my tears. dont get me wrong. im not unhappy and not want to be with him. i want to be with him, just wish he could be slightly more understanding. well, i chose this path, i knew he's gonna turn out like that, who am i to complain right.

but one day... one day... i know for sure theres something big waiting for me.... this ive full confidence....