what should i say...

KARMA KARMA KARMA KARMA....

sigh~

disturbing fact

Life has never been settling even since the day i was born.

Funny thing is, i get many females coming to me telling me how females should let theyre male partners flirt because they ultimately only love on which is you.

Kinda saddens me. No, it reali hurts. A friend of mine told me that i shd just let "him" be and by now i should be use to it already... Seems like we women have stooped really low if someone can come out saying stuff like that.

I want to cry but i'm really tired to cry. I want to build up my courage and leave but the women's heart is not meant for shit stuff like that.

Don't go trample on a heart that once loved you. OMG is this karma. yea maybe itself.

ahhh....

fuck life....

Why don't?

The Chinese see things rather oddly, or is it just a default in the humans?

The much speculated news these days circulates around GongLi's ( chinese actress ) decision to become a Singaporean and abandoning her mothership.

Many condemn the poor lady but very few bother to ask...

"All traitors will be nailed to history's mast of shame. We should resolutely reject any further contact with such people," said in a chat forum on the popular portal Sohu.com.

"Why doesn't anyone ask why people want to emigrate? We see one Chinese person after another take US citizenship," one person said on Sohu. "Why don't we see Americans taking Chinese citizenship?"

I totally understand how she feels right now, this very moment. It's really sad and tiring to hear criticisms with no apparent understandings to the situation. But, SO WHAT? We're all dying to fight the society to be glamarous and classy but we are always sub-consciously overshadowed by our barbaric mannerism.

All i need is someone from my kin-gang to ask "why did she leave, she had everything here. Money, maid, food, and whatever she wants. If she goes out there to that cruel world, she's gonna have to start learning how to do her own chores, how to have a proper diet. She's gonna have to put all her sleeping habits aside, all her tennis urges and her princess attitude... Why, why the decision."

Well I've ever "e-argued" with an aunty over the email... I told her, why is it that when i leave home i'm the murderer. Why do you have to give me a death sentence when you've not gathered enough evidence? And, as expected, she said "how i know you, thats only for you to know, i don't need to know that."

It really pisses me off when someone instantly judge something. Yes, the culture's partly to be blamed. "you never disown or be rude to one who'd once looked after you." FYI, i moved through many homes of perfect families, there may be even some i have no recollection of.

So if Cinderalla's step mom continues the torture shdn't had she found prince charming, Cinderalla has to continue the menacing life? I'm not saying i'm pretty ol' innocent Cinderalla. I have my naughty moments too, but the idea's there.

If only someone asked....

UNJUST...

when is it going to be my turn?

The unjust in life is just...

WADAFARK?

Just when i thought i've landed onto a fairytale job... Shrek's fairy-god-mother, Cinderella's step-mother and the big bad wolf slowly creeps out. FARKING SHIT. It's always the farking case... When you think you've jumped in for a slam dunk, the god-damn referee blows his farking whistle. CCB.

You know how terrible it is when you are in no position for new ideas (ok, yes the taokay says she wants more ideas from you, but when you provide those ideas, she just either has really bad memory or literally no memory and says neah, those ideas cannot work). When you are the middle person trying to satisfy everyone under the same labouring roof? Farking hell, if seriously i can satisfy all these non-communications, misdirections i can be GOD already. I'm not trying to be rude, but it's darn stupid. What i hate most is doing extra work.

PEOPLE, PLEASE COMMUNICATE BE'COS I AINT DOING EXTRA WORK.

Really, i have no extra strenght to satisfy everyone. It's so darn fucked up. FUCK...

tata for now...

Reliance?

what is trust when its taken granted for?

sometimes i just wanna quit my job, and just not bother about anything like survival. It's a tough struggle there but your beloved aint doing anything to lighten em.

what to do?

Blending... or not

hmmm... What can i say.

Work wasnt all that bad but i don't really dig the whole waking up early in the morning and WALK thing. Ok, waking up in the morning's a hassle to me too. I'm partially a night owl and partially a sleep addict, you do the math.

Maybe i've already blended into the crowd of black and white office wear. No, i'm not wearing office wear but you know, in more literal sense. And there i am, putting my life at line for work. My life of terribly long naps, of unspeakbly extensive sleeps and of unbearably weird dreams.

Is it me or is it the lack of iron in my system pulling my whole life back. Sigh, i've never seem the enjoy the so called "art of life". Tell me, what's so artsy about life. You drag and you vamoose...

My inner ego wants me to score at everything i do, my outer ego... she's pretty darn lazy. It's like when your angel conscience tells you to get up and do somethin useful and your devil conscience tells you to take it to a corner and relax.

I wanna be someone.. not someone celebrity-ly famous. I wanna be someone of certain calibre. I wouldn't say be someone special cause if you'd noticed... Every day of your life you'll hear someone calling someone speical, hell, they are even in shows and movies. "Don't give up, you're special" "You know you're special" etc. Yes everyone is special in theyre own ways. But i don't wanna be special or unique. I wanna be someone, someone who does stuff with her own ability.

Many instances like, you all know how there's been this latest craze about online shopping. Every girl out there's a boss! But theyre stuff's all the same. Why? They get their goods from supplies. Ok i'm not trying to bring them down or what, in fact they are pretty smart. Whereas I, i'll be making my own clay accessories and handmade bags. You see what i'm trying to say over here. I want to be that kind of someone. However, like i said, my outer ego.. she's too mucha bummer.

I always need a kick in the butt to work hard.


till then...

Seeeeya

Life

Life became rather meaningless... I'm starting a new job and dreading over the whole idea of adapting to a new environment all over again. I know i hate adapting but i do this to myself all the time. weird huh.

I like to use bombastic words, i like to use phrase with endless meanings but i still put myself in a situation where these bombastic words are barred from using.

I've been wondering for weeks now... what's in it for me to achieve ultimate goals. What's in it for me to be a well educated articulated lady. After all it has all got to end someday. Wont our efforts be washed down the drain?

It's scary how i think like that all the time, but you see, i'm quite right... am i not?

Life should be, relaxing. There shouldnt be any working for a goal or working to save enough money for my next generation. It's total bullshit. Generations after generations we've all suffered under the culture-torture.

Yes, the culture air-bourne dieseas. On the rear end of the world, people take a step back, work at their own pace but on the other end, its like a never ending race.

They ran and they ran and they ran and later just to find out that theyre down with a terminal dieseas. Well, the cultures the culprit. Sad enough, some arent that lucky. The entire "idea" of life becomes so... so... domineering...

You have to constantly run along side studies or jobs else you're not part of the society. Youre gonna be the outcast. But, yes i know, to some being and outcast is something they live to achieve, I like being an outcast too. Have you thought about it? Outcast...

Oh well... my brains hurting again because i know i'm gonna have to start working, AGAIN.

Seeeya.

What's real anymore.

Truth is, the truth is never meant to be told. There's always nit-bits of fake behind the truth. The truth is an ugly story told. I like telling the truth, but the truth was never told to me. So do i play my part in telling the truth or just play along and let the truth play me around.

Truth is not a part where faith kicks in. It's damn hell nothing to do with faith. It's a whole different story already.

im scared

will someone eventually tell me the truth? You know, i believe in karma. i once did something and i think its coming back to me. My paranioal came from my awful background. You know i think i've depression and then i think im aware of what i'm doing so i'm not. But something just keep hounding me. I'm very much on the verge of giving up, i always ask why the hell am i here. Learn a lesson? This lesson is too difficult for me. Or is it some mere long stage of a game i'm in. I don't want to play this game any more. i'm in pain i want to give up.

I always knew to be loved was too good to be true, look at my background man. How can there ever be something so nice, so lovely, so pure and real. They all say love just naturally makes u blind and do things you always hated. Yes, thats very damn hell true. I'm only speaking from my experience, im young i might not know much. Well, i'm really afraid that day will come and when that comes i always wonder, however am i gonna take it.

It's so typical, girl, lost, gaining sympathy, feeling emo, procastinate eventually. But hey, i'm only typing cos the only person who knows about my situation is not in town and yea thats it. I don't want to gain any of your sympathy whoever the hell so happens to glance through.

Maybe i'm wrong maybe i'm right. i feared till i had wobbly legs. no metaphors no poetic cheemnest meaning, i'm sayin what happened what i see what is meant to be. something i once yearned, and gained and im gonna get disappointed. Im gonna lash out as much so when i noe that day comes, i'm gonna be the strong person who faced that many hurdles.

the truth, i need the truth and everything can be worked out from there. you need something from me, just tell me. because i never tot someone, anyone wouldve fallen in love with someone like me. seriously, i never tot i was worth anyone anything. I noe my attitude i noe myself i noe wad karma is. i see with bare eyes, the happenings, the unwanted, the non-liberated. it's easi seeing but when it hit straights to you, you'll jus feel your ribs pilling and weighing you down.

belive, why is there such a word. why. i dont want to get into anything and end up in a mess. i really dont want to. my psychiatrist is gone, she and he. i need someone to tok to me. ive a feeling that i'm going to really give up. my guts werent there, but its slowly building courage. it's so hard to breathe with tears dangling in those eyelids.

why are we generated to feel the pain. becos den and only den we will learn. why do we have to learn and not now instantly, becos its damn game someones having fun watching. life's joke. you're a joke. i'm a joke. you know what you own or have or wadeva is yours will eventually not be yours. who on the damn hell mind wans memories. memories are intended for major damage. are you a sicko? no? den why would you want memories. good memories becomes sad because you cannot relive the moment, no one or nothing will be the same again, so thats sad. bad memories, i guess the more i dont have to spell out.

so what am i trying to prove? i'm trying to drill it into your head that we are in a damn game. our lives a game. its messed up. frigging messed up. i asked for an ans no one replied. i asked for help no one bothered. i think its time after time life tells me to give up. it's like literally life itself has life. it kinda talks to me, tell me "there you go babe, handle all the bad situations and chunk it down your throat no matter how hard it's gonna choke you, you will still survive out of it."
how the hell would someone handle that. oh yea, there were generations of them. sigh.

if only someone was there whu really understood my situation. what i hate is to keep on going on n on n on and over again about my situation to someone new cos eventually someone jus gives up listening to me half way................. TBC

Smell the air of success and failures

Life, till today, taught me nothing! No birds no bees no butterflies. You know how nasty can people get. They blabber and blabber and blabber but, what the heck, they don't even know they're speaking. It's really sad that the human beings are gonna die of global warming someday. They just don't listen, so do i actually.

You know i really like to see that i threaten people with what i can do, show or offer but hell i don't get smirky all over. I do what i'm told and i do it right. and for that i get piss ass dunky attitude. People just subconscioulsy do terrible stuff they just don't know. I do too. I'm no saint, but at least admit it la. Oh im a senior i rule, i have full authority. People don't get it. or rather, i don't get it. Seniority is not power, brains' the power. How can someone of no damn right wriggly wriggle in their head think think think that seniority rules out every damn ant on the floor. No seriously.

Actually i'm not rulling out the fact that i'm all perfect smart and hardworking. i do have my lazy times. Oh yes i'm actually really lazy. But still these people are just, human beings maybe. It's pathetic. I need to leave. Leave leave leave. It's so miserable. But then again, NOOOO, if i leave it just shows that i've no guts. I mean if i can battle her hands down, imagine that. I'm slacking really badly now-a-days. Even i can't stand my own attitude. tsk tsk girl.

You know how the hierachy thingy works? People of the same level talk nice and team up and then fight the nasty ones. But apparently, yes i have people of my same level but i don't see no team. I see, hierachy lvl 1 (my level) me + authoritative worker. hierachy level 2 ok not so bad authority handled over there. and further on i've no complains. But you guys see a problem there? my level. where everyone's on par? you see that you see that? There's a bug in there. There should have no authority waves going on there. Somethings happening.

Well guys, results of seniority. I was born late, i came late i was just late. Late to be fugging screwed up my arse and be an obedient whiney vessel.

When i 1st got in, i told myself. ok, i'm gonna buck up i'm gonna be really really hardworking cos' i'm given this chance i'm not gonna screw it. My attitude now, i tell you. STINKS. I don't give a shit if i've written bad stuff, i don't give a shit if my stuff are credible i don't give a shit cos you guys don't give a shit. Think my only passion left in there is the kaching $$$$$. I'm just merely surviving with it, it sucks.

My morale is just suicidal already. It's plunging really really fast. I don't work for passion i don't talk with pride anymore. No more... It's perry como meets richie sambora. DISATER...

Someone help?

Live and let die

You hear comments, you hate it, but just what can you do about it.
Someone says, you're too free you play games all everyday. Someone isn't aware that people know she's worst than she speak of others. Maybe and i guess if i didnt remeber correctly, people dismiss themselves because of her. Well well, today is my 1st lesson to live and let die, im 20 soon. No more getting angry over empty vessels yelling for attention. Still i'm gonna have to let it out, not like it's air, i can easily fart them out. These are stuff with residue, it's gonna hurt my rectum and tear the surface real bad.

Not saying i'm perfect, in fact, im getting from bad to worst. Days have passed, i got from angry to feelings no more. It's like i've given up hope. Today i got freedom of speech tomorrow i go sewage water down my throat. People say it's politics. I say it's just stupid human beings. In fact i'm one of them too. I'm neither dedicated nor compassionate. I'm jus mere retarded, angsty mean young teen. Hear Hear, three cheers for me.

I'm not just getting more and more disappointed with myself, but people around me. People who can't mind their damn shitty business. WTF. I am me i be who i want so just fug off and go home and hump your curtains or something. It's pretty upsetting that i've to come to a point where i can only vent all this no feelings onto a cyber space. I'm getting miserable. I'm afraid this transition, i'm gonna loose something. I think i might, i'm not putting anymore effort. There is jus no more point. I see, i can't grow, i hear, i don't know. Pathetic eh.
I'm not trying to gain any sympathy in fact, i doubt anyone even know's this blog exist. It's just that, YA LOR I DUNO WHY I TOK THIS WAY.

So, pathetic as i sound, i'm not gaining anyone's sympathay. I just want to say things i don't think is a joke. People insult, people say it's a joke. You know how we humans can tell apart whether what's a joke what's not. We are no fools you people.

You know... i never intended this happy place to be an angry, backstabbing twoface scold people spot, but you know i really need to vent it out. King once taught me this... give people a chance, all will be better... YEA IN PRISON. No seriously, i've always listened to king's advice because he is just so smart and i know he is doing and saying all things for my own good. But this time i don't think i can agree with him. Maybe cos' he's a guy thats why he can tolerate nitty gritty matters like that. Maybe cos' i'm a girl and i'm onli 20 that's why i can't. I'm not taking the whole i am young thing and giving myself an excuse to be an idiot, but this is how i just see it.

I've had so much spare time to just thing of what good i've done my pass 19 years of life. I guess i did nothing, achieve nothing and yea basically nothing. I'm always given that chance, and i always blow it because of mindless people around me. wtf is wrong with me. Well, than again, that's why this post. tsk tsk. I'm a big big procastinator ain't I.

You know it's sad for my sisters to have me my brothers to have me, only because it's sad for me to have my parents. Life ah life, just makes me feel awkward and embarrassed all the time. How can anyone say life is ever good. Think those people just went bonkers or something. Life is nothing like strolling on the beach sucking all the evening's sunset. It's all total bullshit.

I'm gonna live and let die, and make sure it happens. I'm gonna swim and have tone legs so i don't feel disgusted anymore, i'm gonna do something and make myself happy. I've come this far not just to bring myself all over again. So....

till then....

Piss off. =)