will someone eventually tell me the truth? You know, i believe in karma. i once did something and i think its coming back to me. My paranioal came from my awful background. You know i think i've depression and then i think im aware of what i'm doing so i'm not. But something just keep hounding me. I'm very much on the verge of giving up, i always ask why the hell am i here. Learn a lesson? This lesson is too difficult for me. Or is it some mere long stage of a game i'm in. I don't want to play this game any more. i'm in pain i want to give up.
I always knew to be loved was too good to be true, look at my background man. How can there ever be something so nice, so lovely, so pure and real. They all say love just naturally makes u blind and do things you always hated. Yes, thats very damn hell true. I'm only speaking from my experience, im young i might not know much. Well, i'm really afraid that day will come and when that comes i always wonder, however am i gonna take it.
It's so typical, girl, lost, gaining sympathy, feeling emo, procastinate eventually. But hey, i'm only typing cos the only person who knows about my situation is not in town and yea thats it. I don't want to gain any of your sympathy whoever the hell so happens to glance through.
Maybe i'm wrong maybe i'm right. i feared till i had wobbly legs. no metaphors no poetic cheemnest meaning, i'm sayin what happened what i see what is meant to be. something i once yearned, and gained and im gonna get disappointed. Im gonna lash out as much so when i noe that day comes, i'm gonna be the strong person who faced that many hurdles.
the truth, i need the truth and everything can be worked out from there. you need something from me, just tell me. because i never tot someone, anyone wouldve fallen in love with someone like me. seriously, i never tot i was worth anyone anything. I noe my attitude i noe myself i noe wad karma is. i see with bare eyes, the happenings, the unwanted, the non-liberated. it's easi seeing but when it hit straights to you, you'll jus feel your ribs pilling and weighing you down.
belive, why is there such a word. why. i dont want to get into anything and end up in a mess. i really dont want to. my psychiatrist is gone, she and he. i need someone to tok to me. ive a feeling that i'm going to really give up. my guts werent there, but its slowly building courage. it's so hard to breathe with tears dangling in those eyelids.
why are we generated to feel the pain. becos den and only den we will learn. why do we have to learn and not now instantly, becos its damn game someones having fun watching. life's joke. you're a joke. i'm a joke. you know what you own or have or wadeva is yours will eventually not be yours. who on the damn hell mind wans memories. memories are intended for major damage. are you a sicko? no? den why would you want memories. good memories becomes sad because you cannot relive the moment, no one or nothing will be the same again, so thats sad. bad memories, i guess the more i dont have to spell out.
so what am i trying to prove? i'm trying to drill it into your head that we are in a damn game. our lives a game. its messed up. frigging messed up. i asked for an ans no one replied. i asked for help no one bothered. i think its time after time life tells me to give up. it's like literally life itself has life. it kinda talks to me, tell me "there you go babe, handle all the bad situations and chunk it down your throat no matter how hard it's gonna choke you, you will still survive out of it."
how the hell would someone handle that. oh yea, there were generations of them. sigh.
if only someone was there whu really understood my situation. what i hate is to keep on going on n on n on and over again about my situation to someone new cos eventually someone jus gives up listening to me half way................. TBC
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